The Top 8 Badass Movie Kids

4 09 2011

Jake Lloyd in The Phantom Menace, Jaden Smith in The Day the Earth Stood Still, Joseph Mazello and Ariana Richards in Jurassic Park.  What do they all have in common?  If you answered compromising pictures of movie producers, you would be right.  But they are also a few examples of the annoying movie kid.  In some cases these kids can be so horrible that they outright ruin a film or a franchise.  Once in a while though, there is something that comes along that is so astounding we should all take notice and thank Ganesh for this rare gift:  a movie kid that is a true badass.  And I’m not talking supernatural powers or possession because that’s help.  So let’s kick off the Top 8 Badass Movie Kids:

8)  Eldon Henson as Fulton Reed in The Mighty Ducks

  • For all four of you who aren’t familiar with this series, The Mighty Ducks is Bad News Bears on ice.  Or Little Giants on ice.  Or the Bad News Bears remake on ice.  A group of outcasts with an outcast coach band together to overcome the odds and win the local championship.  Fulton Reed was the ultimate diamond in the rough.  Standing two heads taller than everyone else the hockey league with a slap shot powerful enough to shatter a limousine window he became the secret weapon and enforcer of the team.  It didn’t even matter that he couldn’t skate or could only make 1 out of 5 shots, his badassness was enough to chase goalies out of the net and keep the Hawks from picking on the Ducks in the off-season.  A true sports icon if I have ever seen one.

7)  Michael Treanor, Max Slade, and Chad Power as Rocky, Colt, and Tum Tum in 3 Ninjas

  • 3 Ninjas is what happens when you combine equal parts Home Alone and The Karate Kid, douse them with sugar and a pinch of early 90’s fashion.  While a movie that has not stood the test of time it does prove that kids who know karate are DANGEROUS!  Not necessarily because they are overly skilled but because they are ruthless.  When a criminal mastermind hires surfers to kidnap the ninjas (just go with me on this one) the boys remember their training and work together to bring nut shots and justice to the baddies.  I never knew there were so many ways to hit a man in the testicles.  Forget taking a self-defense class, ladies.  Just watch the 3 Ninjas series.

6)  Brad Renfro as Mark Sway in The Client

  • Brad Renfro became a breakout star in The Client, based on the John Grisham novel by the same name.  Mark is a good old country boy who mistakenly locates the dead body of a senator.  While on the run from the mafia Mark does what any normal 11-year-old would do:  he hires a lawyer, goes on a search for the dead body, and saves his entire family by negotiating his way in the witness protection program.  Wait…..what?  Mark Sway isn’t a badass just because he swears or isn’t afraid of a fight, he’s a survivor.  Being forced into a situation to raise a younger sibling while also having to protect the rest of your family forces you to grow up quickly.   The fact that he isn’t afraid of Tommy Lee Jones adds to his badassery.  God knows there are nights that I will wake up in cold sweats thinking about what he did in Batman Forever.

5)  Gabriel Damon as Hob in Robocop 2

  • Oh Detroit, you have contributed so much to the legacy of our great country.  Eminem, the mega-profitable American automotive industry, Eminem, a place for Oakland and Baltimore to look down on, the Red Wings, and Eminem.  Most importantly you are the home to the best cop since Popeye Doyle: Robocop.  And in Robocop 2 we were introduced to Hob:  a drug dealing, machine gun firing, cop-pwning badass.  Hob isn’t even afraid to take over the Nuke empire following the death of kingpin Cain.  Every kid between the ages of 8 and 15 secretly wanted to be Hob after watching Robocop 2.  The money, guns, slicked back hair and awesome vocabulary made him a mini Tony Montana.

4)  Chloe Moretz as Hit Girl in Kick-Ass

  • I know this is a really obvious choice but in the case it is completely warranted.  Hit Girl is smart, fast, and well-trained in the art of being a superhero.  She has also shared screen time with Nic Cage so she has proven to be able to withstand torture as well as a strict training regimen.  Hit Girl is so awesome that she completely steals the second half of Kick-Ass, making the title character become a spectator in his own movie.  Her ability to maim and murder while keeping a sunny, child-like disposition shows that kicking ass (no pun intended) is completely effortless for her.

3)  Corey Feldman as Tommy Jarvis in Friday the 13th:  The Final Chapter

  • For the most part slasher flicks are very formulaic.  A killer wields some type of bladed, mechanical, or bludgeoning weapon as he mows down scores of unlikable teenagers.  Friday the 13th:  The Final Chapter throws a monkey into this wrench by introducing Tommy Jarvis, a 12-year-old horror movie fanatic and amateur mask maker.  Tommy initially does what all of the other kids do when they see Jason Voorhees and run like a shoplifter.  In the final reel of the film Tommy uses his knowledge and abnormally big balls to attempt to psych Jason out.  He shaves his head to look like a young Jason and even has the nerve to DECAPITATE JASON WITH A MACHETE!  Can you imagine Freddy Kruger, Pinhead, or Leatherface being slaughtered by a prepubescent Rick Baker?  Neither can I, which makes Tommy Jarvis that much more amazing.

2)  Saoirse Roman as Hanna in Hanna

  • Hanna is a fantastic film and it is all thanks to the performance turned in by Saoirse Roman.  The recently released on DVD action-adventure focuses on the title character’s cat and mouse game with the CIA.  In short, it is The Bourne Identity if Jason Bourne were home schooled by the Incredible Hulk.  Hanna is trained in the Arctic Circle to fight, kill, hunt, and effortlessly run marathons.  Hanna’s fighting style is very similar to Bourne’s in that is all killing blows all of the time.  She takes on several CIA agents, unscrupulous child molesters, and Cate Blanchett (who more than makes up for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull here).  Hanna has become my favorite no-nonsense action hero since Charles Bronson in Death Wish.

1)   Ryan Lambert as Rudy in The Monster Squad

  • The Monster Squad is the best horror movie crossover film ever.  Dracula, The Wolf Man, Frankenstein’s Monster, The Mummy, and The Gill Man (certainly in no way resembling the Creature from the Black Lagoon) come to town in search of an amulet that will allow them to take over the world.  The squad is composed horror movie nerds who are in no way prepared to handle this kind of fight.  They compensate for the complete ineptitude by asking Rudy to join their club.  Rudy is not just the biggest movie kid badass but he is in my top 5 movie badasses ever!  He’s more concerned with naked women than black and white movies for Rudy is a man among boys.  He is a combination of Dirty Harry, Van Helsing, and James Bond riding a Huffy and striking matches off of his Keds to light up his Lucky Strikes.  When the kids need stakes for killing vampires they go to Rudy.  For silver bullets, they go to Rudy.  When needing someone to hold off a wave of monsters, they all look to Rudy.  The Monster Squad could have easily been retitled Rudy Wrecks All Sorts of Shit and I wouldn’t be able to complain.  And on top of that he makes Wayne Arnold eat a candy bar that was on the street just by staring him down.  When you accomplish in two minutes what Fred Savage couldn’t do in six years you are the ultimate badass movie kid.
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